Telfer Family Law & Mediation

Salt Lake City Divorce & Mediation

phone number 801-464-4004

Considering Divorce

The Real Estate Trap in Divorce: Protecting the Properties You Built Together

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For many successful couples, real estate represents a significant part of the wealth built during the marriage.

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It is how much wealth disappears while the divorce is happening.The family home. A vacation property. A rental purchased years ago. Several investment properties acquired as part of a long-term plan.

When divorce begins, the conversation can sound deceptively simple:

“You keep this property. I’ll keep that one.”

Or:

“We’ll sell it and divide the proceeds.”

Real estate rarely works that neatly.

A property’s value on the marital balance sheet tells only part of the story. Debt, financing, taxes, repairs, rental income, market conditions, transaction costs, and deadlines can change what the property is actually worth to the person receiving it.

If real estate represents a meaningful part of your wealth, protecting what you built means looking beyond equity.

Equal equity does not mean equal value

Suppose two investment properties each show $500,000 of equity.

It might seem reasonable for each spouse to receive one.

But what if one property was purchased recently and the other was purchased twenty years ago with substantial appreciation? What if one needs major repairs? What if one has reliable tenants and positive cash flow while the other regularly operates at a loss?

On the spreadsheet, the equity looks the same.

In real life, the properties can behave very differently.

A thoughtful real estate division looks at current value and debt, but also cash flow, tax history, financing, maintenance, tenant quality, management burden, and future risk.

Do not ignore tax basis and depreciation

Appreciated real estate can carry significant tax consequences.

If a rental property was purchased for $300,000 and is now worth $1 million, the potential tax impact should be understood before deciding who receives it.

Rental and investment properties can be especially complicated because depreciation claimed during the marriage can affect adjusted tax basis and create tax consequences when the property is eventually sold.

The marital residence raises different questions. Federal tax law can allow qualifying homeowners to exclude some gain from the sale of a principal residence, but ownership, occupancy, timing, and post-divorce arrangements all matter.

The important point is simple:

A property’s fair market value and its after-tax economic value are not always the same thing.

Before agreeing to a real estate division, understand the tax basis, appreciation, depreciation history, and likely tax issues with an appropriate tax professional.

“I’ll keep the house” is only the beginning

Keeping a property usually requires more than assigning it to one spouse in the divorce agreement.

What happens to the mortgage?

Can the spouse receiving the property assume the existing loan? Does the loan need to be refinanced? Is the current interest rate far better than anything available now? When must the refinancing happen?

An agreement that simply says one spouse will “refinance the home” can leave both spouses financially connected long after the divorce.

A careful settlement should answer practical questions before they become expensive ones.

What happens if refinancing is not completed within six months? What happens if a mortgage payment is missed while both spouses remain obligated on the loan? When must the property be listed for sale?

If a sale becomes necessary, the agreement should also address who chooses the real estate agent, how the listing price is set, when price reductions occur, and how offers are evaluated.

These details can feel tedious during negotiations.

Six months later, they can matter very much.

Yesterday’s appraisal is not tomorrow’s sale price

Real estate values move, and divorce negotiations can take time.

A property appraised at $1.5 million early in the process might not sell for that amount a year later. In a softening housing market, the difference can be significant.

This creates risk when one spouse buys out the other based on an older valuation.

Ask how recent the appraisal is. Review comparable sales. Look at how long similar properties are staying on the market. Notice whether sellers are reducing prices.

For high-value properties, even modest market shifts translate into meaningful dollars.

A 5% change in the value of a $2 million property is $100,000.

That is not a rounding error.

Rental properties require a different conversation

Rental and investment properties are not just real estate. In many ways, they operate like small businesses.

Before deciding who keeps one, understand how it actually performs.

Look at rental income, vacancies, property-management fees, insurance, taxes, repairs, capital improvements, financing, tenant deposits, leases, and anticipated maintenance. Also consider who has historically managed the property.

If your spouse handled everything from finding tenants to coordinating repairs, receiving the rental property can mean receiving a new job along with an asset.

On the other hand, a well-managed property with favorable financing and reliable cash flow can remain an important part of long-term wealth.

Look at the economics of the property, not simply the equity.

Selling does not make the details disappear

Sometimes selling is the best solution.

But “we’ll sell the property and divide the proceeds” is not a complete plan.

Someone still needs to determine when the property will be listed, whether repairs should be completed first, who pays carrying costs, how offers are evaluated, and when the price should be reduced if the property does not sell.

There are also transaction costs. Real estate commissions, closing costs, repairs, mortgage payoffs, taxes, and other expenses can make the actual proceeds very different from the equity shown on the marital balance sheet.

When evaluating whether to keep or sell, focus on anticipated net proceeds, not just market value minus the mortgage.

Does the property still fit your future?

Real estate can carry enormous emotional weight.

The family home can represent stability. A vacation property can hold decades of memories. An investment property can reflect years of careful planning and sacrifice.

That emotional value is real.

The question is whether the property still fits the life you are building after divorce.

Some of my favorite questions to ask clients are:

If you did not already own this property, would you choose to buy it today?

Would you take out this mortgage now?

Would you invest this much of your net worth in this property?

Would you choose to manage these rentals?

Would you want this much of your future cash flow tied to real estate?

These questions can shift the conversation from:

“What am I entitled to keep?”

to:

“What will best protect the wealth and life I am building next?”

Protect the value, not just the property

Real estate can be one of the most valuable assets accumulated during a marriage. It is also one of the easiest to oversimplify during divorce.

If real estate represents a significant part of your wealth, do not wait until the settlement is nearly finished to ask the hard questions. Understanding the financial, tax, and practical consequences early can create more options and help avoid expensive decisions that are difficult to undo.

At Telfer Family Law & Mediation, I work with individuals and couples through collaborative divorce and mediation to develop thoughtful solutions for homes, rental properties, investment real estate, businesses, and other complex assets.

Considering divorce and wondering what should happen to your real estate?

Contact us to schedule a consultation. We can help you identify the questions to ask and explore a divorce process designed to protect what you have built.

Protecting what you built does not always mean keeping the property. Sometimes it means making sure the value you created in that property survives the divorce.

This article provides general educational information and is not legal, tax, financial, or investment advice. Individual circumstances and tax consequences vary. Consult appropriate legal and tax professionals regarding your situation.

The Hidden Cost of Financial Avoidance: Why Looking Away Can Make Divorce More Expensive

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I witness one phenomenon in many of my clients over and over: the avoidance of financial decisions. Do you know why?

Many people do not avoid financial decisions because they are irresponsible. They avoid them because they are overwhelmed.

As a collaborative divorce attorney and mediator, I have met with countless individuals who are intelligent, successful, and fully capable of managing complex situations. Yet when it comes to their own finances during divorce, they tell me things like:

“I just can’t bring myself to look at the bank statements.”

“I’ve let my spouse handle all of that for years.”

“I know I need to deal with it, but every time I sit down, I feel paralyzed.”

If you’ve ever felt that way, you are certainly not alone.

Financial avoidance is incredibly common during divorce, but it can also be one of the most expensive habits to carry through the process.

Avoidance is usually about emotion, not money

People often assume that someone who avoids financial matters simply lacks knowledge or discipline. In my experience, that is rarely the case. More often, I see that their financial avoidance is rooted in fear.

Fear of discovering the extent of the debt, of making a costly mistake, and very often the fear of conflict with a spouse. There is also the fear that life after divorce will not be financially secure. Sometimes, simply opening a financial statement feels like acknowledging that the marriage is truly ending.

That is a heavy emotional burden.

Successful women are not immune

One of the biggest misconceptions I see many clients having is that professional success automatically translates into financial confidence during divorce.

Believe me, it doesn’t.

I have worked with physicians who confidently make life-and-death decisions every day but feel overwhelmed reviewing retirement accounts.

I’ve worked with business owners who negotiate complex contracts with ease but postpone gathering financial documents because the emotional weight feels too great.

The issue has nothing to do with the lack intelligence. What we witness is emotional overload.

Small delays become expensive problems

Financial avoidance often starts with something small.

“I’ll review that statement tomorrow.”

“I’ll respond to my attorney next week.”

“I’ll gather those documents when I have more time.”

Days become weeks.

Weeks become months.

Meanwhile, opportunities can be lost.

Important financial records may become more difficult to locate.

Settlement discussions stall.

Attorney’s fees increase because professionals spend additional time following up or recreating missing information. In some cases, decisions end up being made under unnecessary time pressure because there is no longer enough time for thoughtful planning.

The cost of avoidance is rarely obvious in the beginning – it accumulates quietly.

Knowledge creates confidence

One of my favorite moments with clients is when they realize that understanding their finances is not nearly as frightening as they imagined. I often tell clients that information reduces anxiety, and uncertainty fuels it.

The first time someone reviews a balance sheet or cash-flow summary with a financial neutral, I can almost see the tension leave the room because the unknown becomes known. And once people understand where they stand financially, they begin making decisions with much greater confidence.

Progress is better than perfection

You do not have to understand every tax return before your first meeting.

You do not need perfectly organized files.

You do not have to become a financial expert overnight.

You simply need to begin.

One document. One account. One question. One conversation.

Small steps build momentum.

Momentum builds confidence.

Confidence leads to better decisions.

The Collaborative Process Encourages Understanding

One of the reasons I appreciate the collaborative process is that clients are not expected to figure everything out on their own.

  • Financial professionals help organize information.
  • Attorneys explain legal implications.
  • Divorce coaches help clients manage the emotional stress that often interferes with decision-making.

Rather than making decisions from a place of fear, clients are supported in making informed decisions based on reliable information.

That support often transforms anxiety into confidence.

You deserve to understand your financial future

Whether you have managed the family finances for years or your spouse has always handled the numbers, this is your opportunity to understand your financial picture. No need to become an accountant, but you deserve to make decisions from a place of knowledge rather than fear.

Divorce is difficult enough. Financial uncertainty should not make it harder.

Some final thoughts

💡Avoiding financial decisions may provide temporary relief, but it often creates greater stress—and greater expense—over time.

💡The sooner you begin gathering information and asking questions, the more options you are likely to have.

Remember, you do not have to know everything before you move forward. You simply have to be willing to take the first step.

Ready to take that first step?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the financial side of divorce, you don’t have to navigate it alone.

Whether you’re a business owner, physician, executive, or simply someone who wants to better understand your options, the right guidance can help you move from uncertainty to confidence.

If you’re considering divorce or are already in the process, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Together, we can develop a thoughtful plan that protects your financial future, reduces unnecessary conflict, and helps you make informed decisions with clarity and confidence.

With care,

Diana

We want to mediate because we do not want attorneys involved!

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I hear a version of the same comment regularly from couples who contact me about mediation:

“We want to mediate because we do not want attorneys involved.”

As an attorney myself, that statement always gets my attention.

Usually, what they mean is not that attorneys have nothing valuable to offer. They are worried that bringing attorneys into the process will make things more adversarial, more complicated, and more expensive. They have heard the nightmare stories from friends and family—divorces that dragged on for years, legal fees that spiraled, and disagreements that became battles once the lawyers became involved. They do not want a disagreement they believe they can work through together to turn into a legal fight.

And sometimes, unfortunately, that fear is justified.

Attorneys are trained to identify risk. We anticipate what might go wrong and try to protect our clients from it. That is an important part of our job. But in family law, there is a danger in treating every future possibility as something that must be prevented.

Sometimes, in our effort to protect clients from future conflict, we create rigidity that can actually make future conflict more likely.

A Parenting Plan Cannot Predict a Child’s Entire Childhood

A recent change to Utah’s custody statutes provides a good example.

For parenting plans involving young children, Utah law now recognizes that a child turning five may constitute a substantial change in circumstances warranting a review of parent-time, unless the parenting plan or order provides otherwise.

I have already heard attorneys approach this change from the perspective of:

“We need to put language in the agreement so the other parent cannot come back when the child turns five.”

My question is: Why?

Why is returning to the parenting plan when a child turns five necessarily a bad thing?

Certainly, there are families where repeated litigation is a serious concern. If parents have a history of high conflict, coercive behavior, repeated litigation, or an inability to make decisions together, creating greater certainty may be appropriate.

But that is not every family.

For many parents, revisiting a parenting plan as their child grows may be entirely reasonable.

A parenting schedule that works beautifully for a two-year-old may not be the best schedule for a five-year-old starting kindergarten. And what works for a five-year-old may need adjustment when that child is ten, fourteen, or sixteen.

Children change.

Their school schedules change. Their activities change. Their friendships become more important. Their developmental needs change. Parents’ work schedules and living circumstances may change too.

When parents divorce while their children are young, we are asking them to make decisions today about children they have not met yet—the future versions of their children.

No parent knows exactly what a three-year-old will need when that child is thirteen.

So why should every parenting plan be designed as though the goal is to make future conversations as difficult as possible?

There Is a Difference Between Stability and Rigidity

Children need stability. Parents also need predictability.

But stability does not necessarily require rigidity.

A well-designed parenting plan can provide a dependable structure while also recognizing that families evolve. Rather than trying to prevent parents from revisiting their agreement, we can help them develop a process for doing so constructively.

For example, parents can agree to periodically review their parenting plan as their children reach important developmental stages. They can identify circumstances that should prompt a conversation. They can agree to consult with a child-development professional, parenting-plan specialist, mediator, or other neutral professional before anyone considers going to court.

Most importantly, they can be educated about the difference between reviewing an agreement and fighting over an agreement.

Those are not the same thing.

What If We Designed Parenting Plans for Healthy Change?

Instead of asking:

“How do we prevent the other parent from ever trying to change this?”

Perhaps we should also ask:

“How can these parents address change without turning it into a legal battle?”

That is a very different question.

It shifts the focus from protecting a client against the other parent to helping both parents build a framework for solving future problems.

A parenting plan might say, in substance:

As the children grow and their developmental, educational, social, or extracurricular needs change, the parents recognize that the parenting schedule may need to evolve. The parents will periodically review the schedule and discuss whether modifications would better serve the children’s needs.

The agreement could then provide a dispute-resolution process if the parents cannot agree—perhaps consultation with a neutral professional followed by mediation before either parent seeks court intervention, where legally appropriate.

That does not eliminate disagreement. Nothing can.

What it does is give parents a roadmap for disagreement.

Attorneys Can Help Families Build Problem-Solving Skills

I believe one of the most valuable things a family law attorney can do is help clients understand that not every future risk needs to be eliminated.

Some risks should be managed by creating good processes rather than erecting legal barriers.

When we draft an agreement solely around the question, “How do I protect my client if the other parent becomes unreasonable?” we may inadvertently create an agreement designed around fear.

But what if these parents are reasonable?

What if they become more cooperative after the divorce is over and the emotional intensity of the separation has passed?

What if their child simply needs something different five years from now?

For many families, the better question may be:

“How do we create enough structure to provide stability while preserving enough flexibility to respond to the children we actually have—not the children we are trying to predict today?”

That is one reason I believe mediation and collaborative divorce can be so valuable. The goal is not simply to resolve today’s legal issues. It is to help families develop agreements and problem-solving processes that can continue working long after the professionals are gone.

Perhaps the measure of a good parenting plan should not be whether it prevents parents from ever coming back to the table.

Perhaps it should be whether, when life inevitably changes, they know how to come back to the table without going to war.

With deep care,

Diana

Photo Credit: A storm approaching, captured by my dear friend Carolyn Storey

What’s Your Money Personality? Understanding the Financial Habits That Show Up During Divorce

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After helping hundreds of individuals and couples navigate divorce, I have become convinced of one thing: very few conflicts are actually about money.

They are about what money means.

Over the years, I have sat across the table from couples arguing about retirement accounts, businesses, homes, credit cards, inheritances, and monthly budgets. On the surface, the disagreements appear to be about dollars and cents. But when we slow the conversation down, something deeper almost always emerges.

One spouse is seeking security, the other values freedom.

One sees saving as responsible, the other sees spending as enjoying the life they worked hard to build.

Neither person is necessarily wrong; they have different “money personalities.”

We all have a money story

Long before we marry, we begin developing beliefs about money. Maybe your parents lived paycheck to paycheck, making you determined to save every dollar.

Perhaps you watched a parent lose a business during a recession and learned that financial security should never be taken for granted.

Or maybe your family celebrated life’s milestones through travel, experiences, and generosity, teaching you that money is meant to be enjoyed.

Those early experiences quietly shape our financial habits for decades. Most of us do not even realize we have a money personality until someone close to us approaches money very differently.

I’ve seen this more times than I can count

One of the advantages of practicing collaborative divorce and mediation is that I have the opportunity to hear not only what people are arguing about, but why. I remember early in my career thinking, “If I can just explain the math, this issue will be resolved.”

Ha, let me tell you – it rarely worked. The numbers were rarely the real issue.

Once we started talking about what each person feared, valued, or hoped for, entirely different conversations began to unfold.

A disagreement over selling the family home might actually be about stability for the children.

An argument about retirement accounts might really be about fear of growing older alone.

A dispute over a closely held business may reflect years of sacrifice, identity, and pride rather than simply its appraised value.

Those conversations are far more meaningful—and far more productive—than debating numbers alone.

Common money personalities

While everyone is unique, I often see certain financial tendencies emerge.

The Security Seeker

Security Seekers find comfort in savings, predictable income, and financial stability. During divorce, they may worry about whether there will be “enough,” even when the numbers suggest they will be financially secure.

The Planner

Planners like budgets, spreadsheets, and well-thought-out decisions. Uncertainty can be particularly stressful, making divorce feel overwhelming because so many future decisions remain unknown.

The Entrepreneur

Entrepreneurs often view money as a tool rather than something to preserve. They are comfortable with calculated risk, reinvesting in their business, and focusing on long-term growth instead of short-term security.

This perspective can be difficult for a spouse who places a higher value on certainty.

The Caregiver

Caregivers frequently prioritize everyone else’s needs before their own. During divorce, they may agree to financial arrangements that are less favorable simply to reduce conflict or protect their children.

The Avoider

Some people dislike dealing with financial matters altogether. They may have allowed their spouse to manage household finances throughout the marriage or simply postponed difficult financial conversations.

Unfortunately, avoidance during divorce often increases stress and can lead to costly mistakes.

None of these personalities are “wrong”

One of the most important things I tell clients is this:

Your money personality is not a character flaw.

Every personality has strengths AND blind spots.

Problems arise when we assume our approach is the only reasonable one. When couples begin to understand that they are bringing different financial values into the conversation—not necessarily bad intentions—the tone often changes. Curiosity begins to replace blame.

Divorce doesn’t create these differences

Divorce has a way of shining a bright light on financial habits that may have existed throughout the marriage.

Sometimes couples have successfully balanced one another for years. Sometimes they avoided talking about money altogether. When the marriage ends, however, every financial decision suddenly feels more significant.

That is why understanding your own money personality can be one of the most valuable investments you make during the divorce process.

A few questions for you to consider

As you think about your own relationship with money, ask yourself:

  • What messages about money did I learn growing up?
  • Does financial security bring me peace, or do I value flexibility and opportunity?
  • What financial decisions cause me the greatest anxiety?
  • What am I truly trying to protect?
  • Am I reacting to today’s circumstances, or to experiences from years ago?

There are no right or wrong answers. The goal is simply greater self-awareness.

Some final thoughts

One of the reasons I enjoy practicing collaborative divorce and mediation is that they create space for these deeper conversations. Instead of focusing solely on dividing assets, we have the opportunity to understand the values, fears, and priorities driving each person’s decisions.

Money is important.

But understanding the story behind the money is often what helps people move forward with greater confidence, clarity, and peace.

Next in this month’s series

Next week, I’ll explore why many highly successful women—including business owners, physicians, executives, and other professionals—often find financial decisions during divorce surprisingly difficult, even though they confidently make high-stakes decisions every day in their careers.

If this article resonated with you, follow along as we continue exploring the many ways our relationship with money influences divorce decisions—and how greater awareness can lead to better outcomes for you and your family.” That consistency helps build anticipation for the next installment.

With care,

Diana

Things You Can Do This Week to Keep Your Children Out of the Conflict

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Protecting your children from conflict does not require perfection. It requires intention. Even small changes in how parents communicate can have a significant impact on a child’s sense of safety and security.

Things You Can Do

This week, commit to trying a few of these practices:

✓ Communicate directly with the other parent. Resist the temptation to use your child as a messenger, scheduler, or go-between.

✓ Keep adult issues between adults. Discuss legal matters, finances, parenting disagreements, and relationship issues with your attorney, mediator, therapist, or trusted support—not with your children.

✓ Pause before speaking. Before making a comment about the other parent, ask yourself: “Will this help my child, or am I trying to relieve my own frustration?”

✓ Do not ask your children to report back. Questions about the other parent’s home, relationships, finances, or activities place children in the uncomfortable position of feeling like they must choose between honesty and loyalty.

✓ Make transitions peaceful. A warm goodbye, a friendly greeting, or a simple “Have a great time!” helps children move between homes without carrying the emotional weight of their parents’ relationship.

✓ Repair when necessary. If your child overhears an argument or becomes aware of adult conflict, acknowledge it. You might say, “I’m sorry you had to hear that. That was an adult conversation, and it wasn’t your responsibility.” Repairing these moments helps children feel safe and reminds them that adult problems belong to adults.

✓ Focus on what you can control. You cannot control the other parent’s behavior, but you can control your own. Children benefit enormously when even one parent consistently models calm, respectful, child-focused behavior.

Divorce changes a family, but it does not have to rob children of their sense of security. Every time you choose to keep them out of adult conflict, you send a powerful message: 

“You get to be a child. The adults will handle the adult problems.”

With warmth,

Diana

Growth and Change

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Post-Nuptial Agreements as Relationship Tools

When Life changes after “I Do”: Understanding Post-Nuptial Agreements

Most people think of relationship planning as something that happens before the wedding. But marriage is not static. Careers shift, families grow, health changes, and financial landscapes evolve. A post-nuptial agreement — created after marriage — can be a way to thoughtfully respond to those changes together.

Rather than signaling trouble, a post-nup can reflect maturity: a willingness to adjust agreements as real life unfolds.

Post-Nups as responsive Planning

There is a common misconception that post-nuptial agreements only appear when a marriage is in crisis. In reality, many strong couples use them as tools for clarity during times of transition.

A post-nup says, “Our circumstances have changed. Let us revisit how we want to handle things now.” That is not failure. That is responsiveness.

Just as couples update estate plans or insurance policies over time, it makes sense to revisit financial understandings as a marriage grows and shifts.

Life Changes that often prompt Post-Nups

Certain transitions naturally raise new questions about fairness, risk, and long-term security:

Career shifts or business growth
If one partner starts a business, receives equity compensation, or experiences a significant rise in income, the couple may want to clarify how that growth is treated and how risk is shared.

One partner stepping back for caregiving
When a spouse reduces work hours or leaves a career to care for children or aging parents, the financial partnership changes. A post-nup can acknowledge that non-financial contributions deserve protection and recognition.

Inheritances or financial windfalls
Unexpected assets can create uncertainty. Couples may want to decide together how those funds fit into their shared life while respecting personal or family intentions.

Health changes or increased financial risk
A diagnosis, disability, or a career that carries new liability risks may prompt conversations about security, support, and how to shield family stability.

→ These are not signs of a weak marriage. They are signs of a life in motion.

When contributions shift, resentment can grow quietly

Over time, many couples experience an imbalance between financial and non-financial contributions. One partner may feel pressure as the primary earner. The other may feel unseen in caregiving or household labor.

If these shifts remain unspoken, resentment can build quietly. A post-nup conversation can open space to say:

  • “Our roles have changed.”
  • “I want to feel secure in the sacrifices I am making.”
  • “I want us both to feel this is fair.”

Putting language, and sometimes legal structure, around those changes can transform unspoken tension into mutual understanding.

How Post-Nups can strengthen Marriages

Far from threatening a marriage, a well-handled post-nup can reinforce partnership. It shows that both people are willing to revisit assumptions, acknowledge change, and make intentional choices together.

Clarity reduces fear. Fairness reduces resentment. Shared decision-making builds trust. These are foundations of strong marriages, not warning signs of weak ones.

A post-nup can be one of the ways couples say, “We are still a team, even as life changes.”

A Tool that supports the Conversation

To help couples move into these discussions with care rather than defensiveness, I often use the Designing Our Future workbook created by Jacinta Gallant. The workbook guides couples through structured conversations about values, expectations, financial philosophies, and long-term goals before those ideas are translated into legal language.

Instead of beginning with technical provisions, couples first explore questions like what financial partnership means to them now, how their roles have evolved, and what each person needs in order to feel secure and respected. This shared reflection builds understanding and helps ensure that any agreement grows out of mutual clarity rather than fear or assumption.

Healthy relationships evolve, and thoughtful planning allows agreements to evolve with them. At their best, pre- and post-nuptial agreements are not about control or fear. They are about clarity, respect, and caring enough to plan together.

With Clarity & Care,

Diana