Successes

In the dynamic landscape of the tech industry, my journey was inspired by a remarkable female patent attorney. Little did I know, my curiosity, fueled by a genuine desire to learn, would later uncover a prevalent challenge—imposter syndrome. Join me as I share personal reflections, insights from a revealing study, and explore the transformative power of embracing growth amid doubts.

Before I returned to law school at age 37, I worked in the high-tech industry for nine years. My first boss was a female patent attorney for an international software company. She inspired me with her intelligence, work ethic, and ambition. She outshined her male counterparts.

Questioning Judgment. **I wanted to learn everything I could about intellectual property (I know, I am a nerd at heart). However, it seemed to put my boss on edge when I asked questions. After a while I asked if I was doing something wrong because she seemed to get agitated when I asked so many questions. Her response shocked me. She said, “I feel like your questions are questioning my judgment.”

This took me aback because the purpose of my questions was to learn why she did things the way she did. I wanted to learn how she thought so I could then anticipate her requests in the future without having to ask questions. That has always been my approach to life. Ask questions so I can understand how the other person thinks so I can anticipate their needs. But here, my questioning caused a completely different reaction. Unfortunately, it was not the last time a professional woman with whom I worked would feel my questions questioned their judgment.

Imposter Syndrome Unveiled. **I’ve often wondered why professional women feel threatened by questions much more than a male colleague does. I recently discovered a KPMG study that found “75% of female executives experience imposter syndrome in the work place.” “Imposter syndrome” refers to a feeling that one is a fraud or involves someone who doubts their abilities. I know I have felt this throughout my career. That is what has motivated me to work twice as hard as others. When I encounter a problem at work, I have always made sure I came in with solutions so others would see me as competent. I have felt the need to be an “expert” before trying something new because what happens if I fail. I have feared failure because that would expose my ignorance.

Overcoming Fears and Failures. **Luckily, I know that I’m not alone in my fears. The “imposter syndrome” has been an ongoing conversation with many of my female colleagues and my clients. These experiences I previously characterized as “failures” has added to my success because my resiliency has helped me learn from these experiences.

Empathy Through Experience. What have I learned? It is because of my past “failures” that I can empathize with my clients going through separation and divorce. I share my life experiences because it often gives hope to my clients. If I can go from being a single mom on welfare who has survived abusive relationships to a successful attorney and business owner so can my clients. The things that I have learned the hard way has enabled me to discover  tools and develop skills that I can share with my clients.

When fears around making a mistake creep up inside of me now, I try to reassure myself that it is an opportunity to learn and get “back on the saddle.” I also reach out to my mentors and trusted friends.

Failure is an important part of our growth. It is what we do with our “failures” that makes all the difference in the world.

How do you empower your clients facing doubts?

For more information or to schedule a consultation call (801) 464-4004. Our office is located at 2150 South 1300 East #500, Salt Lake City, UT 84106.

I was raised to work. My father’s mentality was “God helps those that help themselves.” While my childhood friends enjoyed watching Saturday morning cartoons, I had my weekly chores to complete cleaning my room, cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming, and dusting the living rooms and hallways, and then weeding. Growing up in California, weeding was year-round, and I hated it. Holidays were also spent working. I vividly remember a Thanksgiving where my parents told my brother and I that if we finished weeding the garden, which was no small job with flower gardens surrounding our home and an overrun juniper garden encircled by our driveway, we could “earn” ourselves a brand-new color television. I also remember my father saying when I was a teenager, “You are my only hope for a successful daughter.”

Roots of Work Ethic. So, it is no surprise that I started working at the age of 16 and never stopped. Much of my self-worth has been unconsciously tied to working. After graduating with my bachelor’s degree in psychology, not the most useful degree, I started out as a secretary moving up to a paralegal. Once I became the director of the legal department for a software company, I decided to go to law school. After law school, I worked for the Third District Guardian ad Litem’s office, started my own firm, then joined a downtown Salt Lake law firm where I was co-chair of the Family Law section. After 12 years at that firm, I fed my entrepreneurial drive and started my own family law collaborative divorce and mediation firm.

Struggles and Successes. While I’ve done well professionally as an attorney and business owner, I struggled personally. I had two failed marriages and essentially raised two daughters as a single parent. As a result of being a stressed-out mother, my relationships with my daughters can be challenging at times. Had I accepted who I was when I was in my twenties rather than trying to change my core self to satisfy others, my children would have had a very different mother and a much easier childhood.

Reflection and Awakening. I previously wrote about this but after the demise of my second marriage, I was emotionally destroyed. Both marriages were unhealthy. I did not want to repeat this pattern, so I began what became 8 years of self-reflection and asking curious questions. I have dived deep into exploring the beliefs that I held, questioning whether those were my beliefs versus beliefs that were instilled in me. I questioned whether those beliefs still served me in a positive way. I explored my spiritual beliefs, beliefs about myself, and beliefs around what family relationships should be. I studied different religions. I studied Carl Jung, Marion Woodman, Thich Nhat Hahn, Sharon Salzburg, Wayne Dyer, Caroline Myss, Judith Orloff, and many others. I read biographies of female trailblazers. After years of study, I finally started getting a glimpse of who I really was and not being ashamed of that person. I am a direct communicator and a strong advocate that can, at times, come across as “a bull in a China shop,” as one male colleague called me.

During my self-reflection period, I changed the way I practiced as a family lawyer and how I ran my law practice. It was a struggle since my model was different than my other law firm partners. I could no longer just focus on the legal aspects of divorce. I recognized the importance of addressing the other aspects of my cases that were the “elephants in the room” and influenced decision making including the emotional fears, spiritual values, and financial concerns of the divorcing or separating couples. I wanted to help my clients see that the challenging situation they found themselves in could be an opportunity of transformation like it was for me. However, the only way to accomplish that was to provide opportunities of insight for my clients.

Evolution. It is for this reason that I offer a resource called “Our Family in Two Homes” and “Our Family in Few Homes” for divorcing or separating couples with adult children. This resource is a tool for my clients to thoughtfully prepare for negotiating their settlement. Prior to offering this resource, I would spend time with my clients asking similar questions, but the clients paid for the time they met with me. Now my clients can accomplish the same on their own time.

Insight Resource. The “Our Family in Two Homes” workbook allows my clients to really think about their responses, determine what is most important, understand better where conflict arises with their partner, and think about how each of them shows up when conflict arises. The workbook helps clients figure out the values that influence their decision-making process and their partners since these strongly impact the settlement negotiations. Not only does it explore the areas of trust that have been broken but the areas that have not been broken, which can be the starting point for healing the areas of trust that have been broken. All these aspects are critical in consciously creating a settlement that supports the future envisioned by my clients.

Is this something of interest? If so, feel free to complete an inquiry form or call me at (801)464-4004. Our office is located at 1945 South 1100 East, Suite 200, Salt Lake City, UT 84106.