Recently, I came across a New York Times opinion article by Lara Bazelon titled “Divorce Can Be an Act of Radical Self-Love.” Bazelon, a professor at the University of San Francisco School of Law, shares her divorce experience, and her reflections deeply resonated with my own experiences—both personally and professionally.
Competing Roles. Bazelon’s account highlights the tension couples face when their views on marriage and partnership diverge radically. She grapples with questions many of us have faced: Should one spouse sacrifice their professional ambitions to conform to the other’s vision of what a partner or parent should be—even if it means, as Bazelon describes it, “lopping off a vital part of [oneself]”? And does staying in an unhappy marriage truly serve the best interests of the children?
As Bazelon and I both discovered, remaining in a marriage that feels stifling or unbalanced isn’t necessarily better for the children. She writes:
“We stayed together for the kids” is a common refrain reflecting an ingrained belief that anything is better than a ‘broken family.’ To which I silently reply, you aren’t fooling anyone. Children know on an intuitive level what their parents are thinking and feeling. Long frosty silences, screaming matches, and unrelenting tension between parents can inflict damage on the well-being of their children.”
Depleting Life Savings. For 17 years, I litigated high-conflict divorces and witnessed firsthand the destruction that this traditional adversarial approach often wrought on families. It was heartbreaking to see relationships fracture beyond repair, not only leaving emotional wounds that sometimes lasted for years but also depleting a family’s life savings.
But I know there’s a better way. Divorce doesn’t have to mean irreparable harm to the family unit. It requires re-imagining what “intact” means. An “intact” family isn’t limited to two parents remaining married or living under the same roof—it’s one where both parents are fully committed to raising healthy, happy children, even if that happens in two homes.
Why Collaborative Divorce or Mediation Is the Right Option
This is why I’m so passionate about what I do now. By focusing on collaborative divorce and mediation, I can guide families through this transformative period with care and compassion. I help parents preserve their ability to co-parent effectively, creating an environment where their children can thrive. In these processes, we focus not on “winning” but on creating solutions that allow every member of the family to move forward toward their best possible future.
No more shame! Divorce doesn’t have to be seen as shameful or a failure. As Bazelon so eloquently affirms, sometimes, “Divorce can be an Act of Radical Self-Love.” And when approached with the right mindset and tools, it can also be an act of love for your family.
If you are interested in finding a better way to divorce or separate, please reach out to our team at (801)464-4004 or assistant@telferfamilylaw.com.
Our office is located at 2150 South 1300 East #500, Salt Lake City, UT 84106.